October 10, 2006

It is with heavy heart that I post this blog. October 10, 2006 our daughter was born into Heaven. Elisabeth Nicole Zuleta died at 2:01 am weighing 2lb 2 oz. 12 inches long.

September 26, 2006 we went for a routine ultrasound to find out the sex of the baby. My mother in law came with us since we were hoping to find out for her birthday. The technician would not show us anything or tell us things about the baby. She said she couldn't see if it was a boy or girl. I didn't know this was abnormal because my first pregnancy ended at 7 weeks. After she was done, she told my that I needed to call my doctor immediately because she wanted to set up an appointment for Monday. So we went in Monday thinking we were going to just get another ultrasound. How wrong I was. You know that ugly feeling when you walk into a room and you KNOW something isn't wrong, that was the first thing I felt when my OBGYN came into the examining room. The first thing I said was "What is wrong with my baby?" She then proceeded to tell us that she believed she had Turner's Syndrome , which I had never even heard of. Apparently, only 10% of baby's that have Turner's Syndrome even make it to 12 weeks, here I was 20 weeks. So I felt that maybe there was some hope that our baby would beat the odds. We were set up for an amniocentesis, which is a test where they put a needle into your uterus through your abdomen and take an amniotic fluid sample. They can test for any chromosome disorders. Here is where we got an even greater blow. Not only did she have TS, but her lungs were only developed to a stage of 11 weeks, her heart was backwards, and her arms and legs were deformed. They told me it was a miracle I had not lost the baby before then. They told us it was a waiting game. I woke up every morning to face the fact that eventually, my baby was going to die, and left to wonder whether today would be the day.

October 9th I could not sleep. I had a really bad back ache and seemed to just toss and turn. I had also started to leak fluid. Soon the back ache got so bad I could barely stand. It was Columbus Day and my Dr. was closed so they paged her and sent me to the ER. They did an ultrasound and found out that our precious daughter had already passed away and that my body had gone into labor. I was 2 cm dilated but was not effacing. They admitted me, gave me cervadil and told me to wait. They offered me the epidural which I foolishly denied because they told me it would be 24 to 48 hours before I would be ready to push and I didn't want to be confined to a bed that long. They gave me Stadol which put me to sleep for four hours. At 1:45 am I woke up in excruciating pain and paged the nurse. They paged the anesthesiologist to give me the epidural but my nurse told me I was at 10 cm and ready to push. Not only was I doing it pain med free with no reward at the end, the baby was also breeched. They thought that with the amount of time they thought I had that she would naturally turn. WRONG. It very much felt like a horror movie. The lights were all dull, I was in a fog, and I could barely talk because my throat was so dry. By the time it was all over, I just wanted to go back to sleep. Because of the severe deformities of our baby, the doctors recommended we not see the baby and I whole heartedly know that was the right decision for us. I know that it is easier to imagine my baby whole and beautiful at Jesus' feet.

Leaving the hospital was one of the most heartbreaking things to go through. As I am sitting there in my wheel chair with no flowers or gifts or balloons surrounded by mothers and their newborns and people coming up to me to try to see MINE and having to reply that mine died tore my heart out over and over again. I just wanted a sign that said LEAVE ME ALONE< I HAVE NOTHING TO SHOW FOR MY EFFORTS!!!!

I went into sever PPD. I didn't want to be around anyone or anything. Those who knew I was pregnant but didn't know we had lost the baby all would ask how I was doing. I even had a nurse afterward ask me what it was like to give birth to a dead baby. Only by the grace of God and loving efforts from my amazing husband did I recover. I held so much bitterness in my heart. Thousands of babies are aborted all the time and here I was a young Christian woman who had grown up in church, has a loving husband and a desire for children, and I sat there with empty arms and an aching heart. It just wasn't fair. But after I got over the selfishness of it all, I realized that life is not always about what YOU want. In fact very rarely is it what we expect. My marriage is stronger than many people my age because we have gone through so many trials. I love him with all my heart.

Sorry to have put such a burden on everyone today, but it truly helps to look back and see how far you come and remember that when situations get tough, that is when you find out who you truly are. Thank you all for your love and prayers for tomorrow. I have to work so I need some extra prayers if you think about it. Love you all!! Enjoy your weekend!
21 weeks pregnant
Elisabeth Nicole Zuleta 11 weeks.